LAWYER: So, Mr.Butterbritches, I see here from the 756 pages of material you sent me, that you feel you are being harassed, slandered and liabled and would like to sue someone?

BB: Yes, that's true. That's exactly what I want. I was gona send the other 800 pages, but figured you would get the ideal from what I already sent you.

LAWYER: Okay then. Explain to me what they're saying about you.

BB: Well, it's posts on the internet. They are writing stuff ‘bout me.

LAWYER: Okay, so that's libel, not slander.

BB: Yes, liable, like I wrotes you.

LAWYER: Libel. L - i - b -e - l.

BB: It's the same thing, don't matter how you spell it. Don't you know nuttin' ‘bout no laws? Does I gotta explain the laws to you?

LAWYER: Blink....blink. So, what exactly has been happening recently? I see in your notes one of these people has already hired a lawyer because he claimed you posted personal information on the net about him that you got during the course of business.

BB: I got no papers from no lawyer. We moved. heeheehaw **snort**

LAWYER: What exactly did this person claim?

BB: They gots mad cuz I posted thats I knowed their IP and stuff about whered they lived.
LAWYER: If you did that or threatened to do that, it would have been against the law, you know that, right?

BB: No it wouldn't. I'm protected by the freedom of my speech fifth amendment of the Constitution.

LAWYER: The Constitution only applies to Americans in America. You’re a Canadian living in Canada.

BB: It applies to me. Canada connects to Amereca.

LAWYER: Blink...blink. What else have they done?

BB: They contacted the Police in my area to find out if I was a cop.
LAWYER: And are you a police officer?

BB: Does that matter?

LAWYER: It might.

BB: I tolds them I was a cop to teach them a lesson cuz they were mean to me in a chat room.
LAWYER: So, you falsely presented yourself as a police officer and someone who wrote to confirm you weren't, is harassing you by doing that?

BB: Course it were harassment. They had no business not believing me. They shoulda just did what they wuz told.

LAWYER: Blink...blink. Any more incidents?

BB: Yes they wroted the Better Business Bureau to see if I was a member cuz I had stated on me site that I were. People like that you knows, they'll be more likely to hire you if they thinks you belong to the BBB.

LAWYER: But isn't that what people are suppose to do if you're a BBB member, check your rating with them?

BB: But we wasn't really members of the BBB. So it's harassing me.

LAWYER: Blink...blink. So you were falsely claiming to be a member in good standing with the BBB and when it was shown this was a fraudulent claim, you got upset.

BB: Well, yah.

LAWYER: Anything else?

BB: They is pretending to be a man and posting this stuff on the internet.

LAWYER: What do you mean pretending to be a man?

BB: Well they gots this here blog see, and I knows it's not really no man who owns the blog it's this woman that had gotted the lawyer sickeded on me back then and she's pretending to be a man.

LAWYER: So, the woman who hired the lawyer is pretending to be a man to write a blog about you?

BB: Zackly.

LAWYER: What makes you think this is the same person?

BB: Crumbs.

LAWYER: Crumbs?

BB: Yep. This woman is on my site all the time.

LAWYER: But that doesn't prove she's a man, does it? Are you on her site or the man's site at all?

BB: Yah, I was on the man's site only about 20 or 30 hours last week.

LAWYER: So does that make you a man or a woman?

BB: What? Listen, now theys got people saying my blog is only for adults.

LAWYER: Is it?

BB: We talks about sex a lot and I just added a things telling people it's not suitable for children under 13 but I also posted a real well written article splainin' that it weren't.

LAWYER: You wrote an article saying your blog was not adult content then posted a warning saying children under 13 shouldn't read it. Isn't that contradictory?

BB: I don't use contraceptives.

LAWYER: (Banging head on desk). Okay, tell me what else they didded...er did to you.
BB: They posted that my kids had a link to my blog about a Vibrator Seminar.

LAWYER: Blink...blink...er, uh...did they have a link?

BB: The kids does link to me blog and the link takes the person to the latest post.

LAWYER: So when the Vibrator Seminar story was the latest post, the link would have taken anyone directly to that story?

BB: Yes, but that's not the same thing as linking to the post.

LAWYER: Blink...blink. Anything else?

BB: Lots. See it's not just this one woman, it's a whole conspiracy. They’s in England and America and Canada. And they’s always posting things about me. One of ‘em, says I posted 900 complaints on Scrammers.com.

LAWYER: How many complaints did you post on that site?

BB: I posted 900 but thens they banned me or bad mouthed me, just like all them other places: Writhing Weekly, Absolution Right, Writing Nets, ABC Tails, I Seek You Forums, Scram Frog Alert.

LAWYER: You’ve had problems with all those places?

BB: Yah, sees. I told you it’s a conspiracy. See, I am like a internet watchdog. I scout around to my competitor’s sites and read other forums and blogs and then I spend days making 100s and 100s of posts on my site and other sites warning people about these other sites. It’s harded work, too. One time I had to call some guy’s wife’s boss. You read that, right?

LAWYER: I do recall, yes. And you contacted someone’s husband because you believed she was having a cyber affair?

BB: Yes I did.

LAWYER: The problem is you’re not of “clean hands” here. If we initiate action on these people, there’s every chance they’re going to have the documentation to back up what they’ve said. In fact, do you think that woman you’re talking about could be doing that? And many of the things you’ve done are not merely civil matters, but actually illegal and you could be charged.

BB: I can’t be charged. I can post about Jerff and Debry and Jafry and Gay Dee and Thames Landry, and, and anyone I wants, but no one can post about me cuz my speeches is protected by the 5th constipation. I want them sued.

LAWYER: OK, tell me what Gay Dee has done to you.

BB: Gay Dee is always posting things to prove me wrong or make me look stupid.

LAWYER: For example?

BB: Well, I wrote this perfect article about not putting kids pictures on the internet and asked everyone not to put kids pictures up, so that perverts would not use them. Then Gay Dee comes back and makes a fuss cuz I have a site linked to my site that has sick kids pictures with their addresses and other stuff. Anybody knows that child perverts don't care about sick kids and that it would be a waste of their time!

LAWYER: Are you familiar with Mickael Jackslon? He prayed on sick children.

BB: Whatever. Anyways, I tried to get Gay Dee good by starting a link on Hall Of Lame talking about her husbands business and making up a bunch of lies. I took it down cuz she might get mad and harrassee me more. I told all my colleges that she was a pain in the arse.

LAWYER: You mean colleagues, right?

BB: Same thing, either way you want to spell it!

LAWYER: Blink Blink. OK, what about this Blames Laundry guy. Why did you post about him?

BB: Well, he got mad cuz when he did not do as I asked on writing an article, I put a post on my blog that he was linked to porn, and he had the nerve to write a bunch of stuff about me. But I did tell him I was sorry cuz everyone was reading it and making mean comments about me. Like I said, I gots a lot of people I want to sue. How much is this going to cost me?

LAWYER: I charge $360 an hour. I don’t have the actual invoice ready, but it took me 3 hours to read the documents you gave me.

BB: Accuse me! Tree hours? But it wasn’t handwritten.

LAWYER: No, no it wasn’t. It was printed out in single spaced Comic Sans, all caps.

BB: Nice, ‘un it? My missers is talented that way. Bout that payment. How about I add a link to my sites on how nice you might be as payment as you could get a lot of referres that way!

LAWYER: Blink....Blink....Blink....Blink. Excuse me for just a minute. (Picks up phone and buzzes his secretary) Bridget, could you please bring me 4 Tylenol and the number to a well recommended Psychiatrist. No, I don't need a Psychiatrist. The Tylenol is for me and the number for the Psychiatrist is for my client.



98% of the above parody and play on words was written and sent to me by a reader of my blogs. (I added the other 2%) The writer request to be anonymous. Any and all comments are welcome, but no names of whom you think the parody might be about is allowed. I hope the readers enjoy the humor.